I don't need you, I just need you to need me

I knew I was an Independent child when I was changing my own light bulbs at the age of six. (That’s a story for another topic) I also knew I was an Independent child, since I’ve been dreaming about leaving America to live in England for the rest of my life. But, I couldn’t really understand if I myself were independent or only my dreams. There are things I do on instinct; in certain locations I mark my exits. When I’m on a plane, I read the pamphlet front to back, upside down and sideways, because if this plane were to crash, you can best believe I’d be the one getting off alive.

Needing to be needed

My instinct is, what causes people to depend on me and I crave the feeling of being needed. I seek out the people who need help, who need to depend on someone. Mostly, because I know I can afford to be independent. I believe heavily in everything happening for a reason. I’m about just letting things happen and letting it go. But because I’m so involved in this idea of fate, I’ve become dependent on it. That every action I do and every decision I make should have an outcome that will benefit me. When it doesn’t, I become emotional. I feel let down… like all the hard work I did was for nothing.

That for me is what I’ve molded dependability to be -- A let down. Therefore, I’d never want to be dependent on someone else. It makes me feel pressured, because the last thing I’d want to be is a burden. I believe everyone should be able to live their life to the fullest and I’d never want to be the reason someone puts their life on hold; especially for me. My terminology has made me become even more independent. My independence has fueled my feminism, it’s fueled my wisdom and it’s fueled my decision making. But it’s also made some things within me spiral out of control.

I may seem very self-centered, yet I don’t do anything without someone else’s needs in mind. Unfortunately, that usually causes my downfall. I say that because some people don’t need or deserve my help, yet I’m still giving it away as if it’s birdseed. But know this, if you waste my time I will drop you faster than you can imagine.

Independent woman syndrome

There are times when I should be dependent. I’ve found out a lot about myself through these past months and I’m sure my mother is well aware. I learned that I have a fear of being left out or what is known as, athazagoraphobia. Now, I can barely pronounce it, but what I know is that it’s an anxiety of being ignored, forgotten or not needed. It’s also an anxiety of forgetting.

I could forget to say hello or goodbye to someone and it would pull at my heart and stress me out to the point where I couldn’t breathe. And, because I’m independent this leads to much confusion. Yet, I can’t force myself to be dependent, it’s not in my nature. I’m a leader! Sometimes, I feel I’ll be left out by important people around me because of my IQ and it terrifies me.

Now, I will admit that I have a plentiful amount of pride. Which I get from my mother no doubt. However, because I’m so prideful I refuse to admit to my defeat. (I probably get that from my father) I’m seen as a leader to a lot of people. I won't let them know that I feel a certain way about myself or the world around me. My pride makes it hard for me to seek the help I need for my anxiety. I refuse to be seen as an illness, nevertheless, an illness created by my own actions of independence.

I can be a very complicated person; I never know how to describe myself, because I feel all things at once all the time. It dates back to my independence. It dates all the way back to the first time I changed my light bulbs at the age of six.