I have had nothing but boyfriends in my life. Uncertain, if I ever put any real thought to the idea that I would ever have anything else. I expect that is the reason my entire “social career” has remained in boyfriend status from age 12 to age 47.
Undoubtedly, my recklessness to begin my boyfriend spree so early in life has had an impact on my inability to transfer from boyfriend to husband. My need to have that flawless guy who will never make an immoral mistake has led me to consistently keep enough distance while avoiding the fatality of wifehood. Yet it appears, I secretly yearn for something that can stick like glue, something that offers more protection and (and dare I say it … the “C” word? Excuse me; get your mind out of the gutter. I am talking about the other “C” word.) COMMITMENT than just a boyfriend lifestyle.
From the start of my exposure to the boyfriend idea at the age of 11 - when Dirby Blu (name masked in case he is some big political figure or celebrity now) declared his undying love for me through a plastic necklace…only hours later retrieving it from me and expressing his more undying love to another girl…all the way up to my most recent “boyfriend“, if you can even call him that, since I never brought him to the surface. It appears I have simply been unable to get the sh%t right.
It was only today whereby I jokingly said to my youngest daughter "let us take a moment to be grateful to God for the beauty he has bestowed upon us", because the man at the dry cleaners offered me a discount on my bill and insisted on carrying my clothes to the car!” Indisputably it was because of my God-given beauty and flirtatious smile, which incidentally is also God given. It is this very beauty, I believe has kept me in a “boyfriend“ state. (Excuse the vanity -- but, I’m a bit vain)
Even to this day I have too many options to choose from, which leaves me truly with no options at all. The consistent complaints from my boyfriends as the relationships ended were, "I always felt like there was someone else better than me waiting around the corner for you", or “I just didn't feel like you were committed to stay with me, as if you really didn't need me".
Clearly this aura has set the stage for my high boyfriend turnover rate. Thus, the beauty has served both as a gift and a curse. But the curse appears to have come mostly from my own doing as I enjoy the attention of so many but end the day with so few.
My inability to share fairly is also a thorn in the side of the boyfriend-to-husband plight. Don't get me wrong…I share. In fact, often times it is detrimental to me and the relationship that I share knowledge, money, time and even power -- on a lesser scale of course. But share in name, on paper, partner etc... hmm…that there is an option seemingly dead in the water.
Of course, each day, I get older as do my children. One day, though I joke around about it all the time flaunting my desires to be "kid free"; my children will do exactly what I worked so hard for them to do -- fly from the nest and build lives of their own. Consequently, I will be alone.
I expect, sooner than I will be ready. As a result, I contemplate the idea of marriage. However, this time it is not for raising a family, but for the commitment of a life with a worthy companion. Understanding that person and accepting them for all their flaws in exchange for the comfort of knowing they will be doing the same with me is enticing. However, I do hope they will have a greater sense of what marriage is rather than it just being a lifestyle; as one of my family members has so incessantly regarded it to be.
This latest experience of “boyfriendry” was a true test of my heart strings. I'm not sure about anyone else but, the idea of experiencing another broken heart without much to show for it is just not something I'd like to repeat.
I'm thinking now - that the investment must bear fruit (and I certainly do not mean of my loins, because that fish fry is closed for life, thank you very much) - but it must bear the fruit of longevity and fairness of commitment. That would mean many changes on my part; I know this to be true. But I imagine nowadays that it will be well worth the leap of faith. I must say however, I will have no part of intentionally seeking the boyfriend who will be turned into a husband; and I have no desires to make him a husband until I am kid “free”. The next step for me is simply getting out of the boyfriend business.
Sure, it may seem late to some, but quite frankly I believe nothing more than -- it will be exactly the right time when that time comes. I have seen with my own eyes - the precision of God's timing and definitely the foolish belief that all things are in my control. It is clear to me the control in the tall order of Cherie’s husband with a side of happiness is one area in which I have none.
When this topic first came up I was in a relationship and the idea of having that boyfriend, (hidden as he may have been) was simply good enough for me. But months later, I was able to slow down my life and take a good look at what really mattered. This led me to prepare for greater possibilities and experiences, which I have never allowed myself to fathom.
I realize now that I could, as long as I take care of myself, have enticing boyfriends until the day I drop dead. That is the God-given gift of great health and intelligence with the added layer of beauty and charisma. (Wow! humble much?) But for the first time, I truly believe the next worthy “boyfriend“ will be a cut above and removed from the barrel of boyfriends I had so vicariously accepted in years past. The next worthy boyfriend will find an available girlfriend, willing to accept him as the human being we all are with a determination to work together, rather than under the control of one.
The next boyfriend will be the first and last husband. But I say to my children who know nothing of my “boyfriends”, don't worry, if I have any control over it we are some years off before my new status comes to pass. After all, the tall order requires trust, familiarity, age stipulations, a love for children and small animals that is not easy to find in the average man, a love and respect of himself and me that is non-negotiable etc…etc..etc.., need I go on? I fear this ‘complicated order’ will be a challenge even for the maker of the Universe. We shall see! (Stay tuned for my future post, “I dub thee King Husband, Love of My Life” to learn how the Universe surprised even me.)