I grew up a skinny girl constantly eating. When I say skinny, I mean collar bone display, no hips, no butt no calves and no boobs skinny. When I look in the mirror today that very thought is unfathomable! But worse than that -- I can recall, back when I was a boney, no angled looking child, I dreamed of a butt, boobs and thighs.
Size Matters...Or Does it?
I watched the girls in the projects around me with their big ‘onion’ booties (or what ever they call it today) and their thunder thighs inherited honestly by their equally sexified-looking mothers. I thought to myself “How the hell are they getting these bodies? I want one so badly!” It couldn’t possibly be coming from food - after all; my mother made sure we always had something in our mouths. (Probably because we were always talking or fighting.) And after raising only two of my own, I still don’t understand why my mom didn’t have us chained in the dungeon somewhere, at least two hours a day to keep her sanity.
Ah, but I digress…
It is amazing however, to recall how dissatisfied I was with my body image at a size 3,4,5,6….and now at a size…12,14….and on and on, depending upon my stress levels. No matter the size clothing I was slipping into, never could I feel satisfied. It took years upon years for me to become comfortable in my own skin. I now realize that body image for me is not about what others think, nor about what I need to display for others to enjoy - it is about what I enjoy.
Ignoring the Problem
The question is and continues to loom - what do I actually enjoy? Is it the thinness of a delicate woman’s arm? I could like that, but then I don’t enjoy the weakness that tends to come with it.
Do I enjoy the thickness of a woman’s thighs? I do. I enjoy that look when the muscles are present and nicely defined. Once I understood where my desires lie, it shifted all other areas into place. For what are thick, tight thighs without a thick tight butt? Or, a nice voluptuous set of breasts? With that body image in mind I set out to eat what is best for the inside of my body; to luxuriously care for the skin of my body; and ultimately work my body to the levels it took for me to feel the burn of my muscles, as they thickened around my most sensuous areas.
Now - despite all of this there is one core area I have deliberately - at least it would seem, completely ignored. And in doing so, have found that one core area has become my constant concern and continuous focus. Unfortunately, the focus has not been in a positive way. Therefore, like anything you focus upon negatively, it will continue to grow…fester or become that one nagging area of resistance.
Staring in the Mirror
I consciously know this…the question is why don’t I do something about it? The answer is…I will, when I am ready to embrace a full acceptance of all that I have; all that I am. I feel I am getting closer and closer to it every day. It is less and less of a concern and more of a genuine approach to the image I see in the mirror. I imagine my body as strong, healthy, warm and gorgeous.
This is the image I see looking back at me. In fact, I make it a point to view that image in the mirror, butt ass naked, and relish in the pleasure of my beauty from head to toe. From the softness of my skin to the thickness of my thighs; I find some yen in their display and intricate make up. When I turn to walk away and cover it, I feel badly that it won’t be seen again for hours.
This yearning gives me a sense of motivation to sculpt it every day into something more and more desirable only to me. Removing that measuring stick of comparisons; my body image became MY body image and the acceptance of authentic love for all of me is the only body image I need.