Although I had so many thoughts about this topic for the last two weeks, when it came down to writing it I could barely get a word out. The more I thought about the word promises, the more agitated I became. Because I realized I have done nothing but make and keep promises for everyone, yet never held anyone to a promise for myself!
In fact, I had to look up the meaning of promise because I wasn’t sure what I deserved. According to the dictionary, it is “a declaration or assurance that one will do a particular thing or that a particular thing will happen.” If I had made ten promises…I am sure to have kept at the very least 9.5 of them. Though, I know I always strive for ten, no doubt someone somewhere will feel I did not fulfill a promise made. And why is that? Because I lend myself out to make too many promises. Sadly, oftentimes they are promises undeserving of others and promises I had no business making.
I have to say…I am a bit slighted after reflecting and realizing that no one has ever made a promise to me. NO one has ever given me a chance to depend that they will make “a declaration or assurance that one will do a particular thing or that a particular thing will happen.”
The topic made me realize thus far that my entire life has been based upon a swinging door; always an opportunity for a person to back out. Maybe when I was younger this was beyond my control. However, as an adult it appears I entered only into situations in which I could create a back door. And in doing so, I would be able to blame the situation or the person in the situation for not meeting up to my expectations. Therefore, there was no need for them to promise me anything because the very idea of the promise would instantly fail anyway! (Exhausting, at the very least.)
Not taking the chance or making the commitment eliminated my ability to experience what it even feels like to have someone fulfill a promise - let alone break one. I don’t know, maybe if I had held someone accountable to make a promise to me, even if they broke it, at least I would know what it feels like…to actually be waiting around for that person to do so.
I have never waited for anyone to do anything before having fulfilled it myself. That immediate rush out the gate and lack of patience to believe or have faith that a promise is viable in my life, sometimes leaves a sad and empty feeling inside of me.
I don’t have all the answers and, as each day goes by, I find myself wanting to allow others to offer some answers. But, I have spent so many years jumping to the front of the line that when I look back, there is no one else behind me prepared to share their abilities. I have become the line leader without a line; the person that everyone depends upon. Not because they want to depend on me, but because I insist it must be this way…since I have had no clue of what it means for another to promise me they will be there in my time of need.
I think that in order to make a promise you must have the faith that you can fulfill it; and conversely, in order to rely upon a promise, you must have faith that the promise will be fulfilled.
Promises - it’s such a damn if you do…damn if you don’t. But for me, it seems to just be damn! I only give…because I won’t allow myself to get!